


The Harley's Joker

by DesiringPirates



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25700053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesiringPirates/pseuds/DesiringPirates
Summary: When an odd circumstance happens, Joker is cursed with an unusual feeling for himself- love for his sidekick. Now feeling the depth of emotion that Harley feels for him, the Harlequin has to deal with the whacked out, psychotic, murderous clown whose heart beats only for her.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very out of character, very AU. Gentle reminder: this is fanfiction, anything goes.

"I... don't have many friends." The psychiatrist admitted, looking embarrassed by the truth.  
  
"Well, Harleen. You do now." The patient leaned forward and gently cupped her chin. It forced her to look up. "Stick with me, kiddo. I can show you a good time!"  
  
The man laughed, a booming sort of laugh that came straight from the gut. For one brief second, Harleen Quinzel thought that all of this was wrong. She knew he was a madman, a murderer, a mastermind. But his smile was all teeth and charm, and before she knew it, she was laughing along with him.  
___________  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU?!" The Joker bellowed, advancing on Harley. "IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE, THERE IS NO JOKE! IT DIDN'T WORK!" His hand flew and she felt the familiar burn on her cheek.  
  
She fell to her knees. "I'm sorry, Puddin'."  
  
"DON'T. Call me puddin'. I am NOT a dessert!" His gloved hands were clenched into tight fists, and Harley knew that if she didn't diffuse him soon, she was in for a world of hurt.  
  
"I'm sorry, Boss." Harley shakingly stood back up. "I am an idiot. I didn't think my plan through." Even though she had. She had Robin tied in a corner, she had the syringe full of poison in her hand. One more second and the Bird Boy would have been dead. Surely, a blow to the Batman.  
  
And then her lover had come at her in a rage, exclaiming that the plan was not meant to go that way. To forget the boy, to let him hurt Batman. Harley tried to joke her way out of it... but she was no good at comedy, it seemed.  
  
At the resigned sound in her voice, the Joker grinned. "Oh Harl, I know you are just trying to help."  
  
Harley looked up, surprised at his sudden acceptance of her apology.  
  
"Just keep your big fat nose OUT of my affairs next time!" He yelled, before turning away and storming out of the warehouse.  
  
"I'm sorry, Boss." Harley sighed. "Sorry I didn't realize how useless I am here..."  
  
___________  
  
The sun was shining. The birds were singing. But of course, the Joker didn't know any of that, for he was locked away in a padded cell. It was beginning to get boring, honestly. He could get out of here at any time.  
  
But then again, it was a sight to see a beautiful blonde slink into the hallway with a can of laughing gas and a bomb, ready to bust him out. He cackled when Harley provocatively leaned against the corner of the broken cell door, motioning for him to come with a crook of her finger.  
  
"Thanks for the fun, puddin'. I figured after two weeks in here you wanted me to spring ya." She smiled, he smiled, and he walked right to her.  
  
"Pumpkin, you are truly something else." He took the knife she had hidden on her body, and accepted the gun that was offered. "C'mere."  
  
He grabbed her roughly by the waist and brought her in for a kiss. A short time later, they had shot their way out of the prison.  
  
___________  
  
The piece of cardboard flew and hit him in the back of the head. He grimaced, turned around and stuck his tongue out at the girl.  
  
"Didn't hurt that much."  
  
"Nah." The blonde reached behind her and grabbed a baseball bat. "But this will."  
  
The Joker gulped and took a step back. "Now, now, Sweet. I didn't actually mean it."  
  
"You didn't introduce me as your girl!" Harley swung the bat, missing the Joker. The bells on her headpiece jangled angrily with every step she took. "Is it so bad to be with me?"  
  
"Not at all!" The Joker was backed up against the wall- a place where he knew he was in trouble. "It's just that I didn't want ol' Russo to get jealous!"  
  
There was a beat.  
  
"Jealous?"  
  
The Joker sighed inwardly with relief. "That's right! Jealous! Why, he is supposed to be funding this project of mi- ours. This project of ours! He is supposed to feel like the big man." Carefully, the clown took a step towards his girlfriend. "It would look bad to him if I had the beautiful girl on my arm, and he had his empty."  
  
The baseball bat went down to the floor, and the Joker smiled. No black eyes tonight for him! There was a wide smile on Harley's face, and he opened his arms.  
  
"Oh, Mister J!" She fell into his embrace. "I didn't think of that!"  
  
The evil clown took a deep breath. "Neither did I at first." He muttered to himself, allowing the girl to cuddle into his neck.  
  
___________  
  
"Mister J, ya need to eat. A healthy balanced meal is good for the body!"  
  
"Go away."  
  
But the woman was persistent. "Just ten minutes. Come and eat dinner with me for ten minutes, then go back to work!"  
  
There was silence as Joker reviewed his blueprints. He didn't know if the annoying pest were still behind him; neither did he really care.  
  
"We could eat in here. You can scoot over, and we can have dinner on your desk!" Harley suggested, holding the plate of sandwiches in her hands.  
  
"I'm busy."  
  
He heard a sigh. But if he were to move this number here, maybe tighten this wire here to support the considerable weight of the Batman... it could work. It could happen! He could broadcast the execution live, for all the little boys and girls of Gotham City to see. It was brilliant! His best idea ever! The one to get rid of the-  
  
There was a little clunk on the table next to him, then footsteps quietly walking away. Joker looked up to see a small plate holding a sandwich and some salad, with a note attached.  
  
_Enjoy yourself, mastermind. Make sure you eat. -H_  
  
He wasn't going to eat it. She was a lousy cook. It would certainly poison him, or make it seem like he appreciated what she was doing for him. Then his stomach gurgled, desperate for the sandwich in front of him, and he reached out and grabbed it. Despite the internal screaming not to do so, he gave a small smile as he bit into the food.  
  
___________  
  
Presently, things were bad. Normally things weren't a bed of roses, but at least Harley could have handled the down parts of their relationship. The ups more than made up for it. The ups included times when he would willingly hold her hand. When he would slip into the bed with her and allow her to love him. There were even times when he would randomly walk by her, stop, and kiss her on the cheek. For no reason at all.  
  
But things were not good right now.  
  
The Joker was in a foul mood. Not even exploding the orphanage helped. Harley tried and tried to cheer him up, but nothing was reaching him.  
  
The Batman was dead. Or maybe not dead. In any case, at the moment, he was gone- and he had been gone for months now. And over the last few months, there was no hand holding. No love making. Nothing at all but silence, grumbles, and being ignored by the man she loved.  
  
Harley did not understand, honestly. Logic ruled this in her brain: The Joker wanted the Batman gone. The Batman was gone. He should be ecstatic, really, that things worked out the way they did.  
  
Yet her Mister J was not happy. Instead, he cursed himself for finally, maybe, getting rid of the bat. He wanted to be the one to do it, and now he had done it.  
  
Harley suggested that killing another hero might make him feel better. Joker just looked at her, sighed and pushed her away.  
  
Things were so bad.  
  
She even stayed at her friend's place for a while, enjoying the break from the grump. Her and Pammy were great friends, and the red headed beauty made her laugh. But then she came back home to her man- her depressed, murderous, angry man.  
  
Then he said it. The thing she dreaded.  
  
"Harley, leave me alone. I never loved you. This is your one chance to leave with your life intact."  
  
The truth.  
  
And it hurt.  
  
Like a bitch.  
  
"One day, Mister J, you are going to feel exactly the way I feel about you! Then you won't be so mean!" She slammed the door shut, wiped tears away from her eyes, and walked over to Ivy's.  
  
Meanwhile, the Joker sat back in his comfortable chair, and sighed deeply. Batman was gone. He had nothing to do, nothing to live for. And that girl was not helping him in the least. He was glad she was gone, to leave him alone in the quiet.  
  
Then the horrendous crash happened, lighting up the room.


	2. Chapter 2

"What in the blue blazes is going on?!" The Joker yelled, peeking around his chair. Not that he was hiding, or anything. Just being cautious. "Who is there? Who are you?"  
  


There was a lone figure standing in the middle of the dark room. The electric storm had died down to nothing but a slight crackling noise, and the figure moved. She pushed her massive curly hair back. Then she took one step towards the Joker.

  
  


"What do you want?" he asked, coming out from behind the chair. "I have nothing."

  
  
"Oh you are the kind that pities themselves. How cute."  
  


Joker paused at the sound of this petite woman's voice. It was loud, echoing. It spoke of power. He immediately wanted to know more about her.

  
  


"I am here to teach you a little lesson." The figure stepped up the little platform and stood right in front of the Joker. He blinked his eyes; how could she get from all the way across the room to here in under one second? "Though I admit, I have been watching you for a while. You are a rather interesting fellow."

  
  


"I'm always good for a laugh." He quipped, and smiled at her. "You still have not answered my question. Who are you?"

  
  


The tiny woman, whom now the Joker could see was so pale she was almost see through, smiled back. It unnerved him a little bit. His smile was diabolical, yes, but hers...

  
  


"My name is Herminia. Please to meet you, Mister J." She took one step back and looked him up and down. "What lovely... color choices. But that is of no matter. What matters is why I am here, and I am here to exact revenge."

  
  


"Revenge? On me? No, I don't believe it." The Joker laughed, his booming voice echoing in the warehouse. "What are you? An angel of mercy? An angel of miracles? A loon?!"

  
  


"More like a demon. A demon that is hard to kill, so don't even try." With deft movements, she disarmed the Joker so quickly that he did not even notice he had no weapons until he tried to use them.

  
  


The laughter died. "I take it you don't like jokes."

  
  


"On the contrary, they amuse me."

  
  


"Did I ever tell you the one about the giant box?" Joker reached behind him for a lever, intent on dropping said box on top of this demon's head.

  
  


"Did I ever tell you the one where I take that lever, beat you over the head and shoved it up somewhere you might not like?" She leaned forward. "That was too blunt, wasn't it? I need to work on that."

  
  


His hand came off the lever. "Okay, okay. I get it. I can't harm you. Gotta give me a break though because I am still going to try!"

  
  


"Try away. But now is the time to do business." In a flash, she had him pinned to the ground. Her mouth was close to his ear. He felt excited, and frightened. This was the first time he had felt that in months.

  
  


He tried to fight his way out, but the demon was too strong for him. Herminia kept him tight in her arms, her legs straddling his stomach. "I could end you now. It wouldn't be too much of a fight in case you are wondering."

  
  


"Baby, you just made the top of my list." Joker struggled still, wanting to hurt this creature.

  
  


"I thought that spot was reserved only for bats."

  
  


The Joker went still.

  
  


"You are going to feel what she feels in case you were wondering. You are going to know her pain." Herminia breathed into his ear, sending shivers down his spine. "Your poor heart won't even be able to bear the thought of her. You will go insane with love when you see her."

  
  


"Last time I noticed; it was Batman."

  
  


Herminia giggled. "Harleen Quinzel. This is what she wants. This is what she deserves."

  
Joker went silent. He had not thought of that little minx this whole time. Why would he? She was of little to no importance to him.  
  


"What she deserves is a lobotomy."

  
  


Herminia glowed. Joker's eyes went dark with the bright light. The lightening started; the windows shook. The air grew hotter by the second. Wind picked up, a forceful wind that threatened to take the whole city of Gotham up into a twister. Just barely above that, Joker could hear a murmuring. He could not understand the words. It was not of any tongue he recognized.

  
  


Then it happened.

  
  


His heartbeat faster.

  
  


His eyes filled with tears.

  
  


Then there was only one thought in his head, one last thought before he blacked out-

  
  


Harley Quinn.

  
  


___________________  
  


"Mister J was not all bad. You weren't there, you don't know." Harley defended him, sticking her spoon in the pint of ice cream.

  
  


"I knew him. He was a narcissistic jerk who was abusive, psychotic, and not deserving of you." Ivy was tending to her plants, clipping leaves from dying roots. "I don't know why you stayed with him so long. There were many reasons to go, and I am glad that you are smart enough to realize that. Finally."

  
  


Harley had a flash of memory. Of her Mister J coming home, two little baby hyenas in his arms. _'For you, my sweet. Train them well.'_ He laid them down on a comfortable blanket, and him and Harley spent hours getting to know the babies. "There were reasons to stay as well."

  
  


"Clearly not enough reasons." Ivy was always very adamant about her dislike for the Joker.

"Who knows. Maybe he'll waste away now. It's not like he has done much in the past nine months."

  
  


"The death of the Batman did throw him for a loop." Harley conceded, picking up her spoon. She placed the spoonful of mint chocolate chip in her mouth, and looked down at the frozen treat. If she squinted, it looked like the chocolate chips morphed themselves into a smile, just for her. She sighed.

  
  


"I don't think the Batman is gone. The body was never found." Ivy commented, laying down her scissors. "He still is around. He is just waiting."

  
  


"For what? A fiesta?" Harley gave a little smile at her joke. To her surprise, Ivy laughed- the first time, in a long time, that someone laughed at one of her jokes. She felt better.

  
  


"You know what you need? A good, old fashioned robbery. Let's go down to Bloomingdales. I need some new shoes." Ivy suggested, smiling.

  
  


Harley couldn't agree more. In less than ten minutes, they were both decked out in their outfits and heading down the highway into Gotham City.

  
  


____________  
  


It was evening when he came too. He groaned, grabbed his head, and sat up. This was a bad decision, as his head swam, and he fought to keep what little food he had in his stomach down.

  
  


He hadn't felt this way ever since the last beatdown he received from Batman.

  
  


The Joker briefly remembered a woman. With thick bouncy hair, and that he couldn't exactly see her, but she was there...

  
  


Then a thought came into his head and his heart skipped a beat. A woman.

  
  


"Harley." Joker muttered, and stood up. "Harley!" He called out, half expecting her to come running to his side. This wasn't the first time he threw her out, and it wouldn't be the last. She always came back to him, whether he wanted it or not. Most of the time Joker did not want her.

  
  


But now he did.

  
  


_Desperately._   
  


He left to find her. A crack of lightening came down, making him remember the recent past, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly what he remembered.

  
  


The rain was hard as it came down. It obscured his vision, made it hard even to see the streetlights. He walked along the road, not knowing if he was in the street or on the sidewalk. The Joker didn't really care.

  
  


He had to get his Harley back. That was what was important. His heart was literally aching for her. It was a peculiar feeling, something he was not use to. He needed to find her, honestly, just to look at her face. Her beautiful face.

  
  


What is wrong with me? He wondered.

  
  


Gotham was a pretty big city if she was still even here. It had been hours since he last saw her. She was probably at that Poison Ivy's place. But she moved around, and he had no idea where she would be living at now. Ivy and him... did not get along well. She hated his guts and he wouldn't mind spilling hers.

  
  


So, he walked, looking for a sign of his Harley.

  
  


_________  
  


Alarm bells were easily one of her favorite sounds. The fashions were also her favorite! Her arms were full of the latest trends, all in different colors.

  
  


"This is so much fun! Wheee!" Harley cartwheeled toward her friend.

  
  


"I'm glad." Ivy grinned. She had her vines tying up the security guards. "Security around this town now is a joke. Even the police force is feeling the hurt of losing the Batman... well, the good cops at least."

  
  


"Bah, the Batman! Even in death he still is a thorn in my side." Harley grumbled, throwing a pair of shoes she didn't like over her shoulder. They collided into the shopkeeper's head. "I am so tired talking about the Batman. Thinking about the Batman. EVERYTHING is ALWAYS about the BATMAN!"

  
  


Ivy paused while looking through lipstick shades. Even though her friend had her back turned to her, Ivy could tell Harley was upset. The girl's shoulders were shaking, her hands were in tight fists.

  
  


"I'm glad he is gone."

  
  


Ivy put down the makeup and walked over to her friend. She wrapped her arms around Harley's shoulders. "Shhh. It's alright. It's okay to be angry."

  
  


"If it wasn't for him my puddin' and I could be happily married and off enjoying domestic bliss..."

  
  


Ivy turned her friend around. "That was never going to happen, and you know it."

  
  


"I wouldn't be so sure, Isley. I make a mean peach cobbler."

  
  


The two-woman looked over at the door, seeing the drenched madman leaning against it.

His green hair was stuck to his forehead, his red lips were cracked wide open in a smile. He looked like he was lost, and he had just finally found his way home. Joker was thrilled and Ivy was not sure why.

  
  


"Puddin'!" Harley gasped, and rushed over to his side. "What happened? Why are you wet?"

  
  


Without thinking, the Joker grabbed the blonde around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss. Ivy made an audible sound of disgust, and went to step in between them. It was obvious what he was doing, he wasn't ready to give up the sick little game he invented. But then she stopped.

  
  


The Joker's eyes were closed. She wasn't sure why that made her stop, but the whole scene was one of... tenderness.

  
  


He had sunk so low as to seduce her friend with tenderness. As quickly as she could, Ivy pulled her friend away from the madman, leaving them both blinking stupidly, trying to figure out what had just happened. Then the Joker sneered.

  
  


"How dare thee!" He complained, pointing a finger up in the air. Then he giggled. "Oh, oh, oh. Coming in for the rescue. I assure you, Madame, my intentions are honorable."

  
  


Ivy hissed. "You don't know the meaning of the word 'honorable'."

  
  


Joker's face darkened. "Neither do you."

  
  


"Come on Harley, be sensible." Ivy pleaded, turning her friend to look at her. "You've been through enough tonight. Let's go back to my place and just... relax."

  
  


"She is always welcome back home. With me. Where she belongs." Joker countered, placing a gentle hand on Harleen's back.

  
  


"Sorry, Mister J. I promised Red here a girl's night." She looked over her shoulder, a little scared of what she might see. It surprised her that he looked a little hurt. "I might even stay there a few days."

  
  


Despite the fact that he really wanted to stay by her, especially since he just found her, Joker let Harley leave with that infuriating red head.

  
  


But no worries. He had plans to get her back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and slight angst and teddy bears and so out of character stuff. Love makes people do crazy things. Oh, and sex. At least two sex scenes coming up... maybe in this chapter. THIS CRACK IS SO... HERE.

He was the darkness. He was a knight. Now he was nothing. For nine months, the masked avenger was silent, and Gotham was beginning to feel it. Now guards and cops merely showed up to work just to collect a paycheck. Crime was running rampant in the streets.  
Gotham was being destroyed. No one had the guts to fight back. Now, with the decline of the Joker's influence, the city was one big confusion. Ripe for the picking, but too many crooks spoiled the pot- as it were.  
The city needed order.  
  
________________  
The next night, Joker had obtained the address for Harley's hiding place. With the aid of a small bomb threat, he sent the entire inventory of a floral shop to her. He also pulled out his old blue prints and started looking through them, for a spark of creativity had lighted in him.  
After sorting through his plans, throwing away the ones he knew would never work, the insane genius sat down and began plotting. This particular plan would involve a bank, a bomb, and a foe.  
"Well." He smiled to himself. "Two out of three ain't bad."  
________________  
 _"I don't think we have ever been this broke, puddin'." Harley sighed as she rummaged through her wallet.  
"We hardly pay for anything. How in the hell can we be so poor?!" Joker exclaimed.  
Harley bristled. "You bought more suits!"  
Joker's cheeks flushed with anger. "Well Batman keeps ruining them all! What do you want me to do, send him the tailoring bill?"  
There was silence for a few moments before the psychotic blonde started laughing. At first, the clown was annoyed at her response, but then began laughing along.  
His suits were one of the only things the Joker paid for. He learned a long time ago never to make a tailor mad by threatening him and his family at gunpoint.  
"Well it is high time for one of my famous capers." Joker always brightened up after a good laugh.  
"We'll be rolling in the dough soon, Mister J!"_  
________________  
"I am in heaven." Ivy smiled as the shock of what she walked into turned into pleasure. "Hello babies." She gently touched one of the thousands of flowers in her apartment. "Where did you come from?"  
Harley sighed with content. "My sweetheart."  
"How dare he use flora for evil." Ivy turned her back on the traitors, only to see a humongous teddy bear sitting on her couch. "Seriously?"  
Harley bounded towards the bear and jumped on it, wrapping her arms around the fluff in a big hug.  
"He loves me."  
"He's a loon." The red head muttered, coaxing a rose stem to twirl around her finger.  
________________  
The Joker can remember the first time he kissed Harleen Quinzel. He remembered it being careful, very precise. He was trying to woo her enough simply to have fun. But now it was different- he dreamed of her lips, of her body being near his.  
It was a new feeling, he observed, but not all in all an unpleasant one. He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. Truth be told, he always had a soft spot of affection for the ditz, but never acted upon it. It was confusing. It was annoying- there he would be, trying to work, and she would complicate everything.  
Joker thought back about the many times she foiled a job because she was too busy trying to protect her. 'Puddin". Many times, he could have defeated the Batman, a gangster, even the bald philanthropist Lex Luthor if she had just kept her damn mouth shut!  
He did sometimes feel a twitch of guilt whenever he would hurt her. He would remedy that and get her back at his side by a simple flower, or holding his arms out and expecting her to fall in them- which she usually did. But then the thought of feeling guilty would drive him mad, and he would strap her to a rocket then attempt to fire her off into space. Even after that, Harley Quinn would come back to her Mister J.  
"She is such an idiot." Joker said to himself. "If I was her, I would have run away by now."  
Joker got up and paced around. He could be a patient man, but when it came to one of his possessions not being within arm's reach, his patience wore thin. And whenever it came to her, it was virtually non-existent.  
Joker grabbed his coat and walked out the back door to avoid the looks from his lackies. Harley was taking too long in coming back. Sometimes that Pamela Isley would get into the blonde's head and force her to stay for a length of time, but not today. Today, he was going to go and get his woman- whether anyone liked it or not.  
Including Harley.  
________________  
Pamela had left, off to knick a rare root from a greenhouse about two states away. Harley hadn't felt like going, so she was left alone in the house for a couple of days, wandering from room to room. She increasingly thought about her boyfriend and the kiss he had given her.  
There was something different about him. All these gifts, the way he looked at her... he must really need something from her. Probably to do a job, or to clean the house.  
There was a knock on the door. "Plumber!" a deep voice sounded.  
Harley walked towards the front door, but stopped before opening it. "I didn't call for a plumber."  
There was silence.  
"Telegram."  
"Mister J?" Harley unlocked the door and saw said man standing there. He was a tall, dark, and threatening figure; she still threw her arms around his shoulders. A shot of happiness ran through him. He held her tight for a brief moment.  
"I got a plan; Sweetcakes and I need your help." He pulled her closer. "But first..."  
Again, the Joker had to think about the peculiarity of this situation. He wasn't normally like this. This was the second time when he couldn't leave his hands off her. The last time he felt this all-consuming obsession with anything was with the Batman. He sighed, partly out of regret, most out of lust. His entire body felt heavy with desire. Joker had to have her.  
Now. Maybe he would think clearly after.  
As he pushed Harleen towards the couch, he thought he could see another woman out of the corner of his eye. On second glance, it was nothing. Just a big bear.  
"I'm not into voyeurism." Joker said, pushing the bear to the ground.  
He resumed kissing his Harley, feeling the heat growing between them. She pushed him off her, only to swing them around so she was straddling him. He loved how limber she was.  
"No. No. No." Harley stopped. She stopped kissing him, she stopped moving her lovely hips around his mid-section, and he immediately felt angry. "You only want something. Red told me all about it. As a trained therapist, I see not that..."  
Joker smiled and took his shirt off.  
"...that..."  
He reached around her and began rubbing small, tight circles into her lower back.  
"...that... oh hell!"  
Her lips crashed down on his. Joker continued to rub her back, his fingers beginning to dip into her shorts. With a little coaxing, her hips lifted long enough for him to slip her shorts and panties off. Her shirt followed soon after, with his tongue playing with her nipples.  
"Yes... yes..." She breathed out. Joker grinned into her chest, he loved to hear that word. When people told him yes, things were going his way. His controlling ego-centric mind was pleased when people said yes.  
________________  
The cavern was cool with moisture and dark. The darkness was so thick that she felt she could be enveloped inside it and be lost forever. In the distance, she could hear the slight murmur of machines and the quiet voices of loved ones.  
Herminia walked over and was welcomed into a warm light. There was a man sitting in a recliner, a cane propped up next to him. He wore a big hat. He word a very solemn expression.  
"It is done. My debt to you is paid."  
The man smiled.  
________________  
Spent. Exhausted. Basking in the afterglow. However you say it, they were experiencing it, and they felt great.  
Propped up on the giant bear, the two lovers were reminiscing about the Joker's greatest achievements.  
"I will never forget the look on Gordon's face as I shot his daughter right through the belly. KAPOW!" He mimed firing a gun. "Tee hehehe HA hoo!"  
"Yeah, Mister J, that was a good one." Harley snuggled into his neck. For once, he allowed her to do that.  
"I think I know what was wrong. These capers these mindless acts of violence, it was all done for a purpose! It wasn't to put a rankle into the old Bats. It was to spread chaos! I was great at that. Gotham is seriously lacking that kind of fun." He pushed Harley down by her shoulders and rested his long, white body on top of hers. "And Baby, this town needs me."  
"I need you too, puddin'." Harley ran a finger down his bare back, making him shiver.  
He chuckled as he slid into her. "Tomorrow. We are going to paint... this... town... red." He growled out the last word as he worked her over, making her gasp under him.  
As he quickened his pace his mind explored all the different possibilities of mayhem, until a steamy haze took over and he couldn't think of much else.  
________________  
The city was quiet, odd for the city of Gotham, but it was a rare moment when people remembered why they lived there. The peace allowed people to sip their coffee outside, breathing in the fresh morning air. It allowed them to talk to their neighbors, to catch up on the latest gossip around the office and maybe create some small gossip of their own.  
Even the Narrows were quiet, an unusual turn of events for the slums.  
In downtown Gotham, there was a variety of different shops, including the Gotham First Trust Bank. The bank workers were milling about the side entrance, waiting for their security guard- Herb- to open the door and let them in. It seemed to be taking a little longer than usual, but the workers didn't mind. They smoked their cigarettes and drank their coffee, enjoying the nice morning.  
After a few more minutes, the doors opened, and there were delicious smells coming out of the place. The employees of Gotham First Trust Bank were surprised by this, but it seemed to be such a perfect day so far- so it wouldn't be too surprising if they were rewarded breakfast for their hard work.  
So, one by one, the unsuspecting employees walked into the bank, only to be greeted by their maniacal grinning host.


	4. Chapter 4

"Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!" The Joker cried out in excitement when the workers walked into the lobby. "Come, come, be our guest and sit! Sit!"  
Scared now, the workers felt like they had no choice. They sat down at lovely tables, surrounded by cushioned chairs and expertly dressed waiters. Steaming pots of coffee sat on the tables and warm rolls with butter were available.  
  
"Now, I bet you are all wondering why you are here." Joker said, taking a seat on top of the teller's counter. "We are here to celebrate!"  
The insane clown laughed, and the waiters pulled guns and knives out of their aprons. A couple of the ladies screamed. The Joker kept laughing, harder than ever, when he saw the fear in people's eyes.  
"Why are we celebrating? This joyous festivity is for my love." The Joker reached his hand out, and out of the shadows came Harley Quinn- all dressed up in her black and red outfit, complete with a huge smile. "I wish to buy her a gift to prove my affection. But sadly, I am lacking the funds to purchase said gift. So, I've come to ask for a loan in the only way I know how."  
"You could have come in you psycho, like a normal person." A brave manager yelled out, only to see the barrel of a gun.  
Joker laughed. "Oh, I would have been denied. My credit is... shot." He fired the gun, but it only gave a weak bang noise and a white flag with a Joker face came out the end. "Nnnnha hahahahaha hee hee ooooooh, I don't want to hurt anyone! As I said, this is a joyous celebration!" He added in a growl: "Unless someone is stupid enough to be a hero."  
Then he turned on his heel and jaunted over to his girl. She welcomed him with open arms. When done embracing, he left his left arm wrapped around her waist, her right arm around his back.  
"What would you like from your sweetness, Darling?"  
"Hmmmm... Well, Mister J, I have always wanted a beach house!"  
"They are expensive dear! We better take the whole lot." He motioned for two of his lackies to set up a small explosive on the bank vault's door. With a nod from the Joker, they set the bomb and ran for cover.  
Joker and Harley stared in amazement as the explosive went off, their hair blew back in the heat and their smiles grew wider. "Grab the cash, boys, and get to the van." He turned to his guests. "You three. Tie them up." He told the waiters.  
"I'll help!" Harley said, bouncing over to the loudmouth manager and tying him up tightly.  
Joker walked over and leaned into the manager's ear. "She's into bondage. I'm a lucky man." Then he jumped over the counter, opened the flap that connects the lobby to the back, and pushed out a tray full of covered dishes. "Time for the main course!" He called out.  
Joker pulled on a chef's hat and began serving the dishes, one tray per table. "I hope you like the special. I slaved over it!"  
In one unison movement, the waiters pulled off the covers to the trays to reveal a ticking time bomb on each.  
"Five minutes to enjoy your lovely mean, talk amongst yourselves, have a blast!" With that, he grabbed Harley's arm and rushed out the bank's front door. Followed by his men who took the chance to grab a couple more bags of loot, they piled into the van and raced to the top of the tallest hill before the five minutes were up.  
Sure enough, the two crazed lovers were hand in hand, watching the fireworks and hearing the opera of screams and death.  
"Music to my ears." He reached out, grabbed her shoulder, and pulled her in.  
"Oh, Puddin'." She wrapped her arms around his middle and rested her head on his shoulder.  
_____________  
"How many dead?" Commissioner James Gordon asked, softly.  
The uniform shook his head. "Too many. Fifteen," he sighed. "...including a kid who got hit by shrapnel. He is in intensive care."  
"Goddammit." Gordon turned his back on the uniform and blinked tears out of his eyes. "Any leads?" he asked gruffly.  
"A civilian saw a van in front of the bank. Didn't see a license plate, but it had lettering. 'Bokko's laugh shack'. It also had a clown face on the side."  
Gordon's eyes grew wide with fear. "The Joker. This is his welcome back gift."  
"Should we let out a state of emergency?"  
"Not yet! Let's keep that under wraps for now. Tell the press it was a gas leak that got sparked." Gordon walked toward the rubble and looked for clues as to why- but for the love of God, he never knew the reason for such mindless violence.  
He thought he could feel a presence behind him, but knew that that wasn't right. The Dark Knight was gone.  
_____________  
The night held a lot of fears. That was one thing he had learned. As he walked down the dark hallway, he began to wonder about the situation he was in. He was in love. So much love, it was threatening to become obsession.  
He flexed his hands. Just the thought was enough to make him angry, then he remembered her eyes and her heart would be aflutter. He had never felt that way about her before. Sure, he had his moments when he felt like he genuinely cared for her, but they passed or he was able to express them in a small way.  
A pie that would be rotten on the inside, for instance. Maybe a loving punch to the back.  
Strangely, however, that didn't seem like it would be enough this time around. And that terrified him, that he was not sure what he could do to show his Harley that he cared.  
A brief flash of memory came to him, of him being pinned down, dominated. A scowl came over his lips, his hands flexed again. Joker was not sure why he would have that memory, why he would feel anger and... excitement. Something was out there, something that could be a challenge for him, and he wanted to know more.  
If he could remember what it was. That night when he had sent Harley away was a horrible night. His love was gone, his memory of that night was gone, and he felt lost and alone. All he knew when he woke up on the floor was that Harley was gone and he wanted- no, needed- her back.  
Joker sat down at his worktable, tired of pacing back and forth. It wasn't getting him anywhere. He decided to focus on some facts: he had Harley. Harley wants a beach house.  
A bunch of possibilities ran through his head. He could kidnap the Mayor's son for ransom. He could frame Jeremiah Arkham with some evidence of foul deeds, there was some that could always come up. He could also write her a poem.  
The second the thought came into his mind; Joker couldn't get it out. Words, words to show his lady fair that he was a changed man and that he loved her. It was perfect! Sublime! Joker picked up a pencil and started writing on the corner of a blueprint.  
_____________  
There was Benjamin, Abraham, Andrew... all the men she loved to see! Harley continued counting the bills, loving the papery feel come through her fingers.  
"Thirty thousand, one hundred and twenty dollars... thirty thousand, one hundred and forty dollars..."  
"You've counted it twice so far, Harl. It still is three hundred thousand dollars." Joker came up behind her, making her jump a little.  
"Oh, I know, Boss-Man. I just like doing it." Harley smiled as she rubbed a twenty-dollar bill against her cheek. "Do you think this is enough?"  
"Not nearly. We need more if we plan on going bigger. We need enough power to take out all of Gotham and Metropolis combined." Joker scratched his chin. "Don't think I haven't ruled out Super Brat yet."  
"He has not flown in since-" Harley stopped. She was about to say the taboo word.  
"You can say it." Joker smiled and sat down Indian style next to her. "Batman." The word seemed to drip acid from his tongue.  
"I'm sorry, Puddin'." Harley inched away from her lover, only to have him reach out and lay a gentle hand on her knee.  
"No apologies necessary, my dear. I need to move on, to forget the past. We need to focus on the future. I have many plans for us, plans that will put our names up in lights! Our faces in every newspaper, even those internet blogs will speak of nothing... but us."  
Harley sighed and relaxed, the tense muscles loosening up.  
"I made you something."  
Just like that, Harley tensed up. The last time Joker made something for her, she was being strapped to the front of a truck, going by the giant fire he started. Gotham high school was still closed down. But instead of the bungee cords coming out, Joker took out a simple piece of paper.  
Harley didn't know what to expect.  
  


"To speak highly of you

  
Does nothing to talk of your greatness  
To smile at you  
Is not enough to show how wonderful you are  
Even the screams of concerned citizens  
Is nothing to compare to your melodious voice  
Your wit, your charm, your devotion  
Set you above all the rest."  
  
Well. She didn't expect that.  
He looked over at her, his eyes soft. Harley had no words for him. Something was off. It clicked in her, the flowers, the poem, the way he would reach out and touch her- The Joker was truly in love with her, and it terrified her to no end. She always believed that if her boyfriend were to all of the sudden start showing her affection and actually acting like he cared about her, she would be over the moon.  
Now she just stared at him, mouth agape. Harley had to say something. "Wow!"  
Joker smiled. "I know, I know, I'm a poet and I know it."  
Harley clapped her hands. "It was... something special. Something that never will be forgotten!" She reached over and laid a palm on his cheek. "Thanks, Pookie."  
Joker nodded his head. "Now that that is out of the way, we could lock up this moolah and get to bed. What do you say?"  
"Now, that, I can handle." Even though things were weird and unsettling for her at the moment, she could never pass up a chance to lay down with her love. He was a master in that department.


	5. Chapter 5

"Are you sure you are up for this?" The aged butler asked, helping the man into the vehicle. "You don't have to go tonight."  
"I do. I have to see for myself." The dashing young man smiled up at his friend. "No worries, Alfred. I am just going to get some samples, and let the computer analyze them."  
"Very well, Master Bruce." The butler's lips curled up. "You know, sir, I understand that you are trying to help, but-"  
  
"I know. You don't like it, but I am going to be careful, dressed as a civilian. I know I almost died last time I put on the cape. It took months to recover. I'm still not in the best shape. Bruce Wayne should take over my life, as he has for the past nine months. But Alfred..." the millionaire looked up at him. "Just one name brings me back to it all."  
"Promise me that you will not fight. For once, Batman runs away."  
"I'll try. I am not going to promise anything, but... I'll try." He sped off into the night, hoping to stay in the shadows for just a bit longer.  
____________  
Joker was happy, which was dangerous. Yet again, another plan had gone right. It was a drive-by shooting that he personally did, blowing the kneecap of the new District Attorney away. Just to keep Gotham on its toes.  
It was a delight to go to work every day.  
"I believe we could be highly successful without endeavors, don't you, Harl?"  
"Anything you say, Puddin'!" Harley smiled, but deep down inside was starting to become confused. Things were changing for the better, but they were changing fast. She was no dumb-dumb. She knew something drastic must have happened to instigate this change. "I'm glad you are happy, Mister J."  
"I am too. I haven't felt this great in years!" Joker laughed as he pulled into the abandoned building, they were living in. "Ooo hoo hoo hoo! It's kinda nice to not have any opposition for a change!"  
"Tell me about it." Harley whispered to herself and laid her hand on top of his. He didn't move it. Unable to contain herself, she asked the question. "What's happening?"  
"What's happening is we are going to eat, make a plan for tomorrow, have a gratuitous amount of sex and then go to bed." He answered.  
"Well that sounds great, but I mean... what's happening with you?"  
Joker was silent.  
"No... I mean... you've changed. Not that I don't love it, because I do. You know I love you, but..." Harley bit her lips when she saw the look on his face. He looked amazed that she would doubt him. "You never seem to care a lot of times before."  
"So you don't believe that any of this real?" Joker sounded offended. Harley believed that that was true. "I guess you’re right. I've brought this upon myself." Joker jerked his hand away from hers, violently. "Get out of the car."  
He looked daggers at her and she had a brief moment of relief. It sounded strange, but this was the man she knew, the man she loved. So, she hurried and left and he pulled out of the building and onto the road. Harley watched him leave, feeling horrible.  
____________  
The roadways were clear, which was good for him. All the citizens were becoming scared and staying inside their homes. He could say that it was the perfect night for crime, but every night was perfect for crime. You just had to know where to look.  
And he was still a little rusty. Taking from the bank had a purpose, he and Harley needed the cash to pay off people, buy weapons and other necessities- like food, gas for the getaway car. Even the drive by shooting, which did not seem to be his style, was important. Now he heard on the radio that the new district attorney had resigned, leaving the position open.  
Joker wondered if anyone would even apply for the job. The last couple either went insane, disfigured, or plain killed.  
It was rapidly becoming obvious that the city was being hurt. Either the citizens will give up, which would be nice, or Joker would have to go in and personally eliminate a couple of people. Which would be nicer.  
All those people.  
All those tiny little ants.  
All waiting to be squashed.  
It would take just one flick of the finger to swat away all the corrupted insects, crawling all over the rotting corpse that Gotham has become. And after Gotham, who knows?  
This was all wrong. This all was so wrong. He was the clown prince of crime. He did mayhem to prove a point. He flashed on Barbara Gordon, falling to the ground, and clutching her gut. He smiled. Sure, his recent two jobs were great... but they weren't personal.  
It was time to get personal.  
____________  
The passersby on the street didn't give Bruce Wayne a second glance. They were used to seeing him with a cane nowadays, and it was no surprise to see him visit a place where something tragic happened. He was a kind soul, carrying flowers to the bank site. He painfully bent down, dropped the flowers on the ground. That was for the lost souls.  
What no one noticed was that he took his nails and scraped the soil, taking a sample with him. That was for Batman.  
____________  
To tell a good joke you need to have build up, a punch line and an audience. Sympathy can work well too, though it depends on the humor. Most people will laugh at just about anything.  
Sometimes, though, you get a tough crowd.  
____________  
Harley was worried about her angel. She was always worried about him, even though he could take care of himself. She wanted to beat herself over her inquiry. Harley had no right to ask the question.  
Her Puddin' loved her. He was just letting her know.  
If he were to come back, she will prove to him her love. She will shower him with praise. She will not sleep until he was completely happy.  
Harley heard the car pull in a little bit after dawn, and got up off the couch. She swayed with tiredness but still hurried down the steps to greet him.  
"Hello my love!" He exclaimed, holding out his hand so she could take it. "I have had a revelation."  
"I'm so glad you are home!" Harley was near tears with exhaustion and relief. "I'm sorry I questioned you. I don't know what I was thinking!"  
"Now, now, dear, it is alright. This past week has been difficult for the both of us. I decided to think about what to do next..." He looked at the bags under his lovers eyes, "... but first I need to put you in bed. Come on."  
Harley followed him to their bed, holding his hand loosely. He interlocked his fingers with hers and guided her through the place. When they got to the bed, he gently lifted her and placed her on it, then kissed her forehead.  
"Sleep. That's an order."  
Harley nodded and curled up in the blankets. He left her then went to his work area, a big room about halfway down the hall from their bedroom. Joker knew he did his best thinking sleep deprived, it made his ideas seem more depraved.  
Sometimes depravity was the answer. He decided to call in an old friend... maybe the world will straighten up if he took care of his old friend. He grinned and turned back to the bedroom. Tomorrow night, he and Harley would pay a little visit to the Arkham family.  
____________  
To get the sound of laughter is like trying to hit a brick wall. Everyone has a different sense of humor, and the comedian has to be able to read the room to find out which jokes will land. In order to do that, you need to understand people, be a 'people person'.  
The comedian doesn't have an easy job. If he is not doing well, people might as well throw bricks from that wall at him.  
Then the laughs really begin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Make 'Em Laugh sung by Donald O'Connor, from Singing in the Rain.

The night air was crisp and cool. It had rained that afternoon, so the world around him was still a little wet. But Jeremiah Arkham didn't care, he was fine with standing and breathing in the fresh air. Everything was nice and quiet.  
"Wanna hear a song?" A quiet voice asked behind him.  
  
Arkham froze in fright. He recognized that voice from their failed sessions. "Oh no..."  
"If you remember, I aspired to be a musician."  
Arkham felt strong hand grab him and shove him in wet chair. It made an ugly squelching sound.  
"Hi Dr. Arkham!" Harley smiled.  
Arkham regretted hiring her years ago. The wetness of the chair seeped into the clothes, making them stick to his back. He looked on in fear and disgust.  
"Hit it, Babe." Joker said, twirling his cane then grabbing it with two hands.  
"Sweetie? Is someone out there?"  
"GO BACK INSIDE! RUN!" Arkham screamed out, hoping that his wife will listen to him.  
"It's the lovely wife!" Joker squealed in excitement. "How marvelous!" He ran over and grabbed her arm. Soon she was sitting in a chair by her husband. "Ready Harley?" Joker tipped his top hat.  
"Ready, Mister J!"  
Joker leaned forward, and stage whispered to the married couple: "I hope you like my performance. I practiced all day."  
"I guarantee you that I won't." Arkham scowled at the clown.  
"To each its own." Joker nodded to his love, who pressed the 'play' button on a boombox.  
A big orchestra score sounded through the speakers, and the Joker began tapping his foot. It was a slow beat in the beginning, but gradually it became faster.  
"Though the world is so full of a number things,  
I know we should all be as happy as  
But are we?  
No, definitely no, positively no.  
Decidedly no. Mm mm.  
Short people have long faces and  
Long people have short faces.  
Big people have little humor  
And little people have no humor at all!"  
  
Joker smiled, and sat up on the railing in front of his audience, who was looking at him stupefied. Harley was clapping for him, happy to see his performance. It was nothing short of a spectacle.  
  
"And in the words of that immortal buddy  
Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead  
To the guillotine:"  
  
Joker jumped off the banister and started a jaunty two-step.  
  
"Make 'em laugh  
Make 'em laugh  
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?  
My dad said "Be an actor, my son  
But be a comical one  
They'll be standing in lines  
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines."  
  
Joker started laughing, a deep bellowing sound that grew and grew into a more maniacal as he tapped his cane three times on the ground. The tip opened up, spewing out a gas that the Joker sprayed toward the married couple.  
  
Arkham and his wife coughed and sputtered, but quickly were knocked out by the noxious fumes. They slumped in their chairs. Joker laughed, jumping up and down in excitement.  
  
"Oh, Harls, it feels good to go to work!" He reached into his coat and pulled out some rope. He tossed it towards Harley. "Tie them up. Nice and tight."  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
The first thing Ivy noticed when she walked into her apartment was the dead mulch smell of hundreds of flowers. Her heart broke when she saw all the wilted darlings, and she went to start picking through the ones she could save.  
  
The second thing she noticed was that her roommate was gone. Enraged over the deaths of the innocents and her friend's stupidity, Ivy grabbed her cell phone and pulled up the messenger on it.  
  
'Where are you?!' she sent, then went back to cleaning.  
  
After a few minutes, Pamela received a picture message. 'Totes stealing Arkham's owners with Mr. J. Love ya!' The picture attached showed the two of them in front of the camera, smiling. The Joker even made the peace sign with his fingers.  
  
Upon further look, Ivy could see four people tied up and knocked out. 'Idiots' was her one word reply.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
The night was going wonderfully so far. Harley and Joker split up after the Arkhams, and Harley collected Sinner while Joker went after the good ol' Leland. After that, they met up in the basement of an abandoned pre-school.  
  
"Oh Harls, what a lovely evening. You sure know how to treat a guy."  
  
Harley smiled, leaned across the table where they were eating dinner, and gave him a sweet kiss. Then she went back to her chicken Caesar salad as he chowed down on his cheeseburger. A soft noise came over from the chairs. Joker looked over to see Jeremiah Arkham wake up.  
  
"Wakey wakey." Joker smiled.  
  
Jeremiah jerked awake more fully and struggled in the chair, desperate to get his wife and get out of there. He cried out through his gag.  
  
Joker looked over at Harley. "I love that sound." Then they both turned back to their food and ignored the crying man.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
Gordon had received yet another phone call from a family in distress. Alice Sinner had just been stolen, and this time there were dead, the loving people who died defending their family member. Gordon knew all the names- Jeremiah and Rebecca Arkham, Joan Leland and now Alice Sinner- they were all awfully familiar faces in Gotham.  
  
It was obvious that the kidnapper was the same person. He looked over at his daughter's portrait and sighed. The Joker. Where is he when he is not running free? Arkham Asylum, and all these people worked there. He put his head in his hands.  
  
It was obvious, with his sudden reappearance that he would try for something big- as if blowing up a bank wasn't big enough. The phone rang.  
  
"Commissioner we have calls coming in from all over downtown. Playing cards are falling from the sky, Sir."  
  
"Playing cards. Let me take one wild guests." Gordon sighed deeply. "Joker cards."  
  
The voice on the other end hesitated before answering. "Every single one of them."  
  
Gordon slammed the phone down in anger and pushed away from his desk. He paced the floor, wondering about his plan of action. The press will know about everything soon. He kept the Joker's name out of it for as long as he could, but now that was out of his hands with those damn cards.  
  
Gordon knew he would not be able to predict the Joker's next move. The only man who could do that was...  
  
Almost without thinking, the Commissioner grabbed the phone and dialed the number from memory. He knew no one would answer. He couldn't count how many times he tried to call this number, hoping that a familiar voice would sound on the other end. It was the same with the bat symbol... after the first six times with no success, he had to give up. For two whole minutes the phone rang.  
  
Just when James Gordon was about to give up, someone answered.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
Where they had gotten a couch, Joan Leland couldn't figure out. Everything else she could. The rope, the chairs, the hostages, and the purpose behind all of this, she could figure out.  
  
The couch, for some reason, threw her.  
  
But there they were. Her failed patient and her unbalanced boyfriend, cuddling on the couch. Harleen Quinzel's legs were up and over his, and he had his hands... just all over her. It was making the Doctor sick.  
  
"Excuse me." She said calmly, even though inside she wanted to fight or scream like her other captives were doing. "Can you not? I had a scrumptious dinner and I don't want to lose all of it."  
  
The bleached man separated himself from the woman and walked over. Leland tried to hide her nervousness, kicking herself mentally for drawing the attention of a mad man.  
  
"I apologize." Joker rested his hands on her shoulders. "My lady fair and I are just trying to pass the time. See, I am waiting for rope."  
  
Leland looked over at the other hostages. They stared at her, wide-eyed. "Why do you need more rope? Surely we have enough wrapped around our bodies."  
  
"Oh ho ho ho..." Joker lifted his right hand and gently touched her neck with one finger. "Not your entire body."  
  
"What do you want?!" Jeremiah Arkham yelled, shaking uncontrollably with fear.  
  
"What I want. What I want." Joker looked confused. He held his hands behind his back and leaned forward towards the Arkhams. "Hmmm."  
  
Harley lazily got up off the couch, and sauntered over to the clown. She draped an arm over his shoulders, making him stand up a little more. "Puddin', remember? We wanted a beach house!"  
  
"Ahh!" Joker grinned. He was always grinning. "That's right."  
  
"I will gladly give you the money to buy your house! Just let my wife go!" Jeremiah cried out.  
  
Joan rolled her eyes as the Joker and Harley laughed. "Fool. They want the hospital."  
  
Joker pointed at her. "Now she is a smart one."  
  
"Why do you want the hospital?" Jeremiah asked.  
  
"Why wouldn't I want the hospital?!" Joker replied and bounced on the balls of his feet. "It's a second home to me. I have a lot of nice memories there." He leaned his head towards the Harlequin. "I found love there. I found all sorts of purposes there. I found friends." He sighed wistfully. "Plus, it would be amazing to have a whole wing dedicated to nudity. I like to walk around naked."  
  
"I like it too!" Harley smiled, sliding a hand down to his rear end.  
  
The hostages all looked away, trying not to imagine him naked.  
  
"So!" Joker pulled out a pen and some legal documents out of his coat. "If you could just sign the dotted line and clean out your desks, I might be gracious enough to allow you to leave alive."  
  
Arkham looked over to his wife. Rebecca shook her head.  
  
"No."  
  
"You are making me regret taking all of your gags off."  
  
Arkham took a deep breath to calm his shivering body. It didn't work. "I am not going to let you set those sick patients free. The town does not deserve that."  
  
The door above them opened then. Joker smiled. "This could be the extra rope."  
  
There were three knocks on the floor, a pause, then three shuffles. After a minute, the door opened and one of Joker's goons walked down the steps... with rope.  
  
"Oh god he was serious." Sinner whispered under her breath, but Joker caught it.  
  
"Of course I was serious." He glowered over her. "Not everything I say is a joke."  
  
Right then the room went dark.  
  
"Could have fooled me."


	7. Chapter 7

Joker started chortling, then it turned to full out belly laughs, which became sort of breathless. He went down on his knees with his laughter, thumping the ground with a fist. He felt his foe's strong hands grab his shoulders and lift him up. Joker went to his feet.  
Harley gasped, blinking in the darkness. She couldn't see anything. The man Joker hired to help them fumbled with a flashlight and turned it on, darting it around the room. It finally caught on The Joker and The Batman, both starting at each other.  
Tears were running down Joker's face, and he tried to catch his breath, but had little to no success.  
"Joker." Batman greeted.  
  
"No no no no..." Joker shook his head. "It can't be you! You are dead! I... I am going madder if it is at all possible."  
"Nice to see you too." Batman sarcastically said.  
Joker wiped the tears of his cheek, keeping his arms within the tight circle the Dark Knight made around them. "Oh, we do have a lot to catch up on. Why don't you-" Violently, with all his might, he pushed the bat in the chest. "SIT DOWN!" the clowned yelled.  
Batman fell to his back, spasming in pain and trying to catch his breath.  
"Oh, still not feeling well?" Joker tsked. "You should have stayed home in bed! I hear DEATH is HARD to GET OVER!"  
Joker rushed to his enemy's side and kicked him in the chest. Batman tried not to cry out with every blow, but was having little success. After a few more kicks, Joker stopped and squatted down, his arms resting on his knees.  
"I guess death is not forever if you are a legend." Joker cackled and pushed Batman down by his shoulders. "I will just have to kill you all over again."  
Lightening quick, Batman reached out and grabbed Joker's ankle. He pulled, and the clown went down on his back hard. The wind was knocked out of him. Joker felt Batman reach up and grab his shirt, and then he was lifted up and shoved back down to the ground.  
"Oof!! Hahahaha!! Maybe you got some fight left in you after all." Joker commented, then used his shocker to make the Bat fly off him. "Maybe not."  
"I have enough fight to take care of you."  
"You know I missed our little chats." Joker laughed lightly. "Though most of the time they don't go anywhere."  
Joker reached into his coat and pulled out a gun. Batman rolled out of the way of the bullets, knocking into Harley's legs. She went down. Joker winced as his love hit the cement ground hard, but she twisted the bottom half of her body and twisted into a standing position.  
"Hey!" She exclaimed and vaulted over the Bat. "Watch where you're going!"  
Then Harley noticed the main breaker on her right side, reached over and pulled the switch. The basement flooded with light, blinding the Dark Knight. He raised his hands against the light and Joker took this opportunity to grab him. With both hands on the Batman's shoulders, Joker lifted him up in the air.  
"I have never seen you so weak. It's taking the fun out of this for me."  
"Fun is just beginning."  
Joker began to feel hot, then he noticed that Batman's suit was emitting a heat that was enough to scald his hands. He let the Bat go, who dashed to the right side of the room and grabbed Harley Quinn.  
Joker screamed in fury and took his gun out again, ignoring the stinging feeling in his fingers. "Stop stealing my stuff!" He fired the gun and caught the Batman in the shoulder, but it didn't slow him down.  
"Let me go!" Harley yelled, but Batman didn't listen. He disappeared into the twisted halls of the school.  
Joker cursed. He was tempted to just run and leave Harley behind. Yet there was a pulling feeling in his gut, and he figured it was concern. So, he tore off after the thief.  
"Batsy! Oh Batsy!" He called out, fear actually thudding in his heart. Harley was in trouble. His Harley was in trouble, and it was the only thing he could think about. The only thing he could process. And he got angry. "Where are you?!" He bellowed, gritting his teeth.  
"Around." Was the reply he received. "I want to torment you."  
"Listen Bats I know things didn't end well last time we met," Joker snarled, "-but she is not a part of this. Let her go."  
"Why? Do you love her?"  
Joker froze. It clicked in his brain. "What did you do?"  
"I called in a favor. You might remember her. Herminia."  
Joker remembered everything. It was like a switch was turned on, and all of that night came rushing back just by hearing her name. His head colliding into the floor. The bushy haired demon straddling him, the fear and excitement running through his veins. His heart feeling like it was two sized too big. Then one all-consuming thought, Harley. His love. Who was in danger right now.  
"This is all a lie?" Her small voice sounded.  
"No!" Joker answered. "It's not." He began walking down the hall, listening.  
"It kinda is." Batman countered. "I had her draw from your heart. For a laugh."  
"You are terrible at jokes." Joker muttered darkly, then kicked a door in.  
He felt someone get hit on the other side of the door then barreled right into the room. Batman was just about to get to his feet, breathing heavily. He wasn't going to make it much longer.  
"You know, I was always jealous of you. You were so confident. Never one to run away from a fight. I ran away." Joker cocked his gun and pointed it in Batman's face. "But now you have given me something to fight for. You made me stronger. Congratulations."  
"I also made you weak." In a surprising move, Batman lifted a rope. "You have a choice. Arkham for both of you, or Arkham for one of you." He dropped the rope a bit, and Joker could hear Harley scream. He had her tied up, dangling out the window. "Choose."  
"Is this some part of revenge thing?" Joker asked. " I know what I choose. The 'or'." Joker shot the rope, pushed a surprise Batman through the window, and reached for the falling rope.  
He almost missed it.  
Almost.  
Harley jerked violently in the rope, causing her to lose her breath. He pulled her up and grabbed her around the waist. Joker sat down and then sat next to her, heavily breathing himself. Joker looked over at her.  
"Never say I don't do anything for you."  
Harley grinned so wide Joker could see all her teeth. "Oh Puddin'." She leaned over uncomfortably and kissed him.  
The clown broke away, looked out the window, and laughed. Harley knew that he just realized something. "He's gone!" A smile to compete with Harley's showed his happiness. "And back."  
Harley's smile dropped. "Yeah. Whoopee."  
"Batman was not good at this revenge thing. He must have given up saving the hostages. He wouldn't be able to resist that. We should go before the cops come." He turned to leave, but weas stopped by Harley's cough.  
"Ahem..."  
She still had the rope around her.  
"Oh." Joker took out a knife and began cutting the coils. Harley stayed still, worried that if she moved, he would slip and stab her- but he was being careful.  
"Is it a lie?" Harley asked, not able to resist. As soon as she said it, she remembered what happened when she asked questions before, and went silent again.  
Joker sighed, knowing that he was not going to be able to avoid this. "No. Not anymore." He looked up at her, the insane eyes serious for once. "I admit. You are a pain in my ass. You interfere with everything. Sometimes I'm afraid that your head is so loose that it will fall off your shoulders, and sometimes I wish it. But I love it."  
Harley felt tears hit her cheeks.  
"Relax. I am not going to harm you. Well, unless you hurt me first." Joker smiled, the manic glint back in his eyes.  
"I guess you’re stuck with me." Harley said, feeling the rope falling off her. "Oh Puddin'!" She wrapped her arms tightly around him and he sighed again. "I love you so much! This is the best day ever!"  
Joker rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Yeah, yeah..."  
_____________  
News reporters kept asking him what happened, how did the hostages escape from the Joker, why did it all go downhill for the clowned prince of crime, and where was he? Vicki Vale was the most persistent, and was the one closer to the truth. She reported that the Batman could be back.  
Gordon agreed with her silently, but didn't respond to her questions. The Batman he saw was a hurt, broken man, not ready to be re-exposed to the world. James Gordon was going to keep his secret.  
Jeremiah Arkham walked out of the pre-school with his arm around his wife, head bowed low so not to get the attention of the reporters. Gordon noticed that he looked embarrassed, like he was so ashamed that this could happen to him and his own. The other two Arkham employees also refused to give statements to the press, eager just to get home.  
After the last police car drove off, the last of the lights faded, and everyone was gone except for him, Gordon looked up at the night sky.  
"It is a fine evening." A gruff voice said behind him.  
Gordon turned around to see the bruised hero. "Yes." He looked back up to the sky. "Do you think we'll ever stop him?"  
"I will. One day."  
Gordon smiled. "Just you alone? Out of revenge?" But he didn't get a response.  
He was used to that.  
_____________  
"Nine months ago, he could have killed me. He very nearly did. Joker had me beaten, broken down into the ground, poison running through my body... I was lucky that I rolled into the river. I know I almost drowned. But if I had stayed... he would have won." The billionaire lowered his eyes. "I never wanted that to happen again."  
Alfred shook his head and he helped Bruce clean his wounds. "I told you to run."  
"I couldn't, Alfred. I had him where I wanted him. I had him hurting." The injured man sighed. "I had Harley Quinn. He was going to walk right into my trap."  
"Which trap is that sir? The one where you drop her, then turn and kill him as well?" Alfred angrily said. "You are not that person."  
Bruce felt tears burn in his eyes, but he refused to let them drop. "I realize that now. To tell the truth... I'm glad Joker pushed me out of that window. It made me remember something."  
"What is that, sir?"  
"That I am not going to stoop to his level." Bruce set his jaw in a tight line and his trusted friend dabbed some iodine on a cut. "That no matter what he does, how close he comes to killing me again... I will never be the one to deal the killing blow to him. Or anyone."  
"Did it feel good sir? To know that you could have ended that sick woman's life?" Alfred asked.  
Bruce shook his head and regretted it- the sharp pain behind his eyes nearly made him pass out again. "No. It didn't."  
The butler closed his eyes, momentarily. Here was a man. A good man, despite his flaws. Yet no matter how good and noble this man was, there was another man who would always be a thorn to his side. A man who was barely even a man, a man who delighted in causing pain. Alfred did not know where the crazed duo would have run off too, but he hoped that Joker and Harley Quinn would be gone for a while, and let this good man lick his wounds.  
Alfred nodded his head. "Very good."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a sort-of sequel to the story, just to tie up loose ends.

Herminia. Her-min- i- a. The name rolled off his tongue like battery acid. Even though he was quite content to be in love at the moment, it was the simple fact that he had no choice. Joker didn't like it if he was not in control.  
  
His still stinging fingers flexed, itching to wrap around someone's throat. Usually it would be Harley's but now it was like he couldn't touch her in that way. His heart stopped him.  
  
He hated being stopped, and he knew he hated these feelings. Batman was right. It made him weak. Harley could twist him around her finger now just as easily as he could with her.  
  
They were equals. It made him sick, but happy. Things were confusing, so he decided to do something simple: revenge.  
  
Maybe he would thank the demon if he was feeling generous. Maybe.  
  
  
 **THE BACKSTORY**  
  
Five years ago, the Batman was in Metropolis. The Justice League had just feed a dozen half-demons who were being sold in a slave trade. As he was using his jet to cart some of the demons to their home, he caught them beating a woman- seemingly to death. Even though he just saved them he had no qualms in ending that quickly.  
  
It turned out that the woman, a beautiful bushy-haired half-demon, had laid down with one of their captors. The captor was promising her that he would find a way to save her and her kin, but no one would believe her.  
  
The woman said that she loved and trusted the captor.  
  
When the League heard from an anonymous tip that there was demon trafficking, they decided to shut it down. During their bust, they had found one of the ring leaders dead- killed in execution style.  
  
He must have been the one to betray the team. Now Batman wondered if he was the same man who promised to save everyone. It was just too much of a coincidence.  
  
Batman brought the bloodied woman to the front of the jest next to him and shut a partition, so the other refugees couldn't bother them.  
  
"Thank you." She said, in a surprisingly strong voice. "I owe you a favor."  
  
"You owe me nothing." Batman countered, grateful though that she offered.  
  
"I insist. You might need one in the future."  
  
The Batman gave a smile. "Alright. I'll save it for a rainy day."  
  
"If you do, call my name. Remember it. Herminia."  
  
  
 **THE CALLING**  
  
Bruce Wayne painfully sat down in his chair. It had been nine months since his fight with the Joker, yet he still felt like it happened just the other day.  
  
The Joker had been nearly successful in killing him.  
  
For three months after the fight, Bruce had been in a coma. Nightwing had found him floating down Gotham River, using a GPS locator to track him. Knowing that he needed a hospital, he quickly shed Bruce odd his Batsuit and called 9-1-1.  
  
When he woke up, it was still another week of him going in and out of conscience. Then months of painful physical therapy, trying to learn how to walk, eat, even go to the bathroom on his own.  
  
It was humiliating.  
  
It was infuriating.  
  
Bruce fixated on revenge. He wanted the Joker to hurt, and he wanted to be the one to hurt him. Maybe, just maybe, even kill him.  
  
And then he remembered.  
  
"Herminia."  
  
It took her a moment before she appeared, in a flash of lightening.  
  
"You've grown stronger." Bruce commented, staring at her threatening figure.  
  
"I do not know you. How do you know my name?"  
  
Bruce held up his hands in surrender and winced at the pain in his back. "I'm Batman."  
  
"You lie. Batman is a strong warrior."  
  
Bruce grinned. "Who got beat. Look around this cave if you want, if it will prove who I am."  
  
After a few minutes of exploring, the beautiful half demon stood in front of the broken man.  
  
"How can I help you?"  
  
  
 **THE SEARCH**  
  
The Joker kissed his love goodbye and told her not to worry. He would be gone for a couple of days, but he will return. Joker promised, then hugged her again. Then Harley regrettably let him go.  
  
He left their cozy hidey-hole and went to the scene of the crime- the warehouse he was in when that demon cursed him. After an hour, he walked around the empty building, his boots clacking against the floor.  
  
Joker started humming, looking around for a sign of the she-beast.  
  
"All around the mulberry bush..." The Joker stopped right where she had him pinned. "The monkey chased the weasel..."  
  
It had taken a couple of days and a lot of asking around, but Joker found out how to find the half-demon. He liked to call it the Rumpelstiltskin effect.  
  
"Herminia..." he said, waiting for any sign of her.  
  
She came in a flash of lightening, the wind that shouldn't exist inside the building picking up, almost knocking the man down.  
  
"What do you want, clown?"  
  
"Pop goes the weasel."  
  
"What are you babbling about?" Herminia felt the danger she was in crackle through the air like her bolts of lightning.  
  
Joker kept smiling at her. He was utterly silent and deadly.  
  
"Why have you called me here? I made sure you would never remember me."  
  
"I had a little rat tell me who you are, to gloat to me how he could torture me. "This is all about revenge." Joker put his hands in his pockets. "And since he deserves special treatment, I decided to get my rage out over this little matter on you."  
  
Herminia sneered. "You can try vermin."  
  
  
 **THE LOVE HE FOUND**  
  
Harley was in a funk. Her Puddin' loved her and it was actual true love. The past week had been amazing- just the two of them, talking, making love- it was like a vacation from the chaos their lives are.  
  
Now thoughts of revenge towards that demon plagued his mind, upset over what had happened to him. Harley was upset that he was upset about it, because it was the best thing to ever happen to her. Now she was afraid that if her lover were to find the woman and destroy her- like he planned- everything will go back to the way it was before.  
  
She didn't want that. Hemming and hawing, knowing that her Angel will be mad if she were to interfere, she began wondering if she should go stop him. Harley stepped once, faltered, then stepped again. She sat down. She stood up.  
  
Harley screamed in frustration. Then she made up her mind. "My Puddin' loves me!" The blonde grabbed her grey bag and slung it over her shoulder. "And it will not. Stop."  
  
  
 **THE FIGHT**  
  
The demon was the first to move. Unable to take the suspense any longer, she bounded towards the clown and went to tackle him. The Joker took one step to the right and let her catch herself on her feet. He laughed, she scowled.  
  
"You got lucky."  
  
"I'm good at luck. I'm also good at preparing."  
  
Herminia pounced again and Joker side stepped her attack again.  
  
"Did you know most women attack out of anger? They are more likely to lash out when upset." Joker told her, watching the demon breathe heavily. Then the clown surprised her by sitting Indian style on the ground. "I challenge you."  
  
Herminia felt a violent pull in her core. She could not deny a challenge.  
  
"It is going to be hard to fight with you sitting."  
  
"I challenge you to a staring contest." Joker held out his hands in mock camaraderie. "First one to blink loses."  
  
"Loses what?"  
  
"Their life."  
  
Herminia fought the urge to gasp. "You are insane."  
  
"Certifiably." Joker's ever-present grin never left his face. "Dare to take me on?"  
  
Herminia looked around for any traps. A booby trap of any sorts- trick string, laughing gas- but she saw nothing. Reluctantly she looked down at the man.  
  
"First one to blink dies."  
  
"Before their eyes even open." Joker agreed, taking out a gun and setting it on the floor in front of him. "One shot between the eyes usually kills."  
  
"One more question before this begins. Do you really hate me so much that you would kill me?"  
  
"Yes." Joker answered her without taking a pause. "Mainly because I hate everyone equally."  
  
"Except your girl."  
  
Joker's eyes flashed in anger. "Let me make this clear. I love Harley Quinn. I do. I hate that I love her. I hate that I need her. Feelings are confusing to me. They are unnecessarily necessities which can drive a person insane. If I thought my mind was sick before, well not it can't compare. I am consumed with thoughts of her. I want to make her happy. It is beyond distraction. It interferes with my work. I cannot have that."  
  
Herminia nodded. "I understand you in that sense. Love is... unnecessary."  
  
"Yet it is a wonderful thing." Joker concluded.  
  
"You do know I did almost nothing to you? The love you had for her was already in your heart." Herminia crossed her arms.  
  
"Be that as it may." The mad man motioned for her to sit down.  
  
"Goodbye clown. You are going to lose." Herminia sighed and sat down.  
  
"If I do, I'm going out with a fight."  
  
  
 **THE CLIMAX**  
  
Now the heat was on. Harley poked her head in many places, looking for her Puddin'. In all places she didn't see him; she even stopped off at the Penguin's club and asked- kindly- for information. No one knew where he was.  
  
So she began deducing what she knew of him, which surprised her- after all these years she could pick up on his traits and tricks. Harley knew him better than anyone.  
  
Sadly there was a lot about her Mister J that she didn't know. She used to always like the surprise, whether good or bad, but now things have changed. And she wasn't sure if that was going to change as well.  
  
It was too confusing, and she didn't like being confused.  
  
Gotham was a big city. That was the reason it was so easy to hide. But Mister J didn't like to hide for too long. He liked the limelight too much.  
  
Harley just had to wait. Joker will come out. Then she can...  
  
... she did not know what she would do.  
  
(J)(H)(J)(H)  
  
There was silence. Herminia could not even hear the world outside. She wasn't even sure if the bleached man in front of her was breathing. She reached out to touch him.  
  
"What are you doing?" He asked gruffly, making her jump. Unfortunately for him, she did not blink.  
  
"I... wanted to make sure you were real."  
  
He laughed with his eyes staying wide open. It was unsettling. "I ask myself that every day." Joker stretched; his green eyes focused on the demon's.  
  
She resisted the urge to move. She was beginning to feel restless.  
  
"Just blink and surrender. It will be quick- maybe." The clown promised.  
  
"Why is this so important to you?" Herminia asked, her eyes glittering with anger.  
  
"I told you. Revenge."  
  
"I think you are trying to save face."  
  
"You don't know me at all." Joker seemed offended. "Of course, I am!"  
  
Herminia smiled. "You don't have to be embarrassed. Love is a powerful thing. It gives you power."  
  
"But that is so dorky!" He joked, then an amazing thing happened.  
  
The demon blinked. In a flash, the Joker grabbed the pistol off the floor and held it pointed towards her head, cocked and ready. She was fearful, but accepted her fate.  
  
"This won't change you back."  
  
The Joker was not grinning. "I know." Then he pulled the trigger.  
  
  
 **THE ENDING**  
  
It was morning when he walked into their home, tired and hungry. His love jumped up from the couch and threw her arms around his shoulders, as if afraid something had changed.  
  
Nothing had.  
  
He wrapped his strong arms around her waist and held tightly, whispering love poems into her ear.


End file.
